


Everything is Silver With You

by ayphrodite



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon LGBTQ Character, Explicit Language, F/F, Fanfiction, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, Mental Health Issues, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Slow Build, Trigger warning btw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:08:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23565067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayphrodite/pseuds/ayphrodite
Summary: After eight long months of being missing, Rachel Amber returns to Arcadia Bay without any form of warning and tries to reconnect with her former best friend, Chloe Price. Chloe, taken aback by Rachel's reappearance and after everything she found out about her during the months she was gone, refuses to trust her again.
Relationships: Maxine "Max" Caulfield/Chloe Price, Rachel Amber/Chloe Price
Comments: 20
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

_The funny thing about vanishing without any sort of trace is that everybody accepts the fact you're dead. That you're not coming back. Ever. And they get over that. Fairly quickly, if I'm honest. I was once the "queen" of Blackwell Academy, but now, I'm nothing but a name that hides in the shallow corners. Everybody has forgotten about me, and maybe I'd be okay with that if the one person I care about didn't forget me too. Sometimes when you leave without a trace, everybody makes assumptions about what happened to you. But nobody knows what happened to me except for me. Everybody thinks I'm some crackwhore who overdosed myself on drugs. Fortunately, only half of that is true._

I have a hard time speaking about what truly transpired. For a while, I wasn't actually able to speak at all. After extensive amounts of therapy, I can finally talk very briefly about what happened to me, it's hard to discuss.  
I was left in that junkyard that night, after that sick freak took pictures of me, he just...dumped me there. Like waste. Like scraps. I felt like all I was was just a sack of flesh and stomach bile.  
I was heavily drugged when I was left to rot in the pile of garbage he laid me on, I felt tainted and that all I was going to be was just a body, a shell of my former self. His rangy body stood over me with a sad grin, why the fuck is he sad? He's the one who fucking did this to me. Promptly enough, the influence of the drugs took over and I could feel myself slipping. The adhesive of the duct tape that bound my wrists only hours earlier felt like it was eating my skin straight off of my bones. After the several punctures of a needle in my neck, the excruciating amount of pain I was in after being manhandled and posed against my will, I was finally dying. I could finally feel the bliss of escaping my body and moving on to the afterlife.

That was until I woke up in a hospital. The blinding lights leaked within my hazel eyes, I felt inexplicably worse than I did when I was dying. I still have no idea who called the ambulance, I honestly don't think I want to know, _they saved a life that didn't want to be saved._

"Rachel?" a familiar voice spoke and I quickly identified the voice as my dad. His body was slumped in a chair beside the hospital bed. He was wearing a light brown, almost beige sweater that was stained with coffee from the one time he spilled his coffee all over himself. His eyes were so sunken in and I couldn't tell if it was because of crying or lack of rest. _Or both._

"Dad?" my voice was vulnerable, fragile, all of that shit. I hated the sound of the decay that came through my throat.

"Thank God you're okay." my dad immediately got out of his seat to embrace me, I felt so protected for the first time in days. His sturdy arms holding my inferior bones against his chest felt reassuring. As much as I still rejected him for what he did, he's my dad. I still admire him. There's such a strong attachment between a daughter and her father, it's one that can't be eradicated. Even though most days I wish I didn't associate with him.

The next few months were a blur, in and out of hospitals. We moved away from Arcadia Bay without a word, I was ordered to cut all associations with everybody I knew in Arcadia Bay, which included Chloe Price.

Chloe Price was such a miracle in my pathetic presence. I don't know where I'd be without her. Her blue locks and radiant complexion always captured my sight. We've been friends since...forever at this point. Fourteen should count as forever. I craved her more than anything and I just needed to at least know if she was okay. But I couldn't even internet stalk her. My parents insisted on forgetting me in a psychiatric ward, which meant: no internet to stalk your best friend's social media. _Fuck._

While I was at this ward, I was required to talk to a psychiatrist and therapist, who both settled that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the shit that happened to me. I was massively medicated for a long period of time until I lied and told them I felt better. The medications on medications just made me feel more defective. All I wanted was to see Chloe again. _Fuck, I'd even compensate for Victoria._ My therapist, Lena, regularly made me talk about what happened to me, I describe it as such a cut-throat experience that will haunt me for the rest of my shallow days. For months, she tried to get me to name him, but I couldn't. I know it wasn't his fault. He was just a liability. _I know he did it to me but there's always a puppet master in these circumstances._

After eight endless months, we finally relocated back to Arcadia Bay. The buzz about me died just about as swiftly as it started, I still can't tell if that's a good thing or not. Despite my father's objection to the idea of moving back, I was finally able to assure him that it'd be a good idea. In a way, I think he sympathized with me and my desperation for my partner in crime. This also indicated I got my phone back and I was able to enroll back into Blackwell Academy.

The evening I moved back, my dad decisively gave me my phone and I was agile to ram it in the socket and check if it was charged every 30 seconds. After the most long-drawn 15 minutes of my life, it ultimately turned on and I was essentially bouncing on the floor that I used to lay on with Chloe and weep about dumb shit at three in the morning. _I miss that. I hope she misses that too._ The second my phone powered on, I was blasted with hundreds of text messages from Chloe. Acknowledging the fact that she missed me made my heart jump and spin, but suddenly reality set in and my heart sunk deep into my chest, observing her last text message from months ago.

"hope u never come back, rach."

Scalding tears quickly shifted down my sunken face and landed in the corners of my lips, leaving my tongue with a bitter aftertaste. _How could she say that to me? The person who cherished her through thick and thin?_ I must have read her brutal text message thousands of times before finally bringing myself to reply. My fingers were unsteady and my entire frame was shaking as my tears fell to the floor in between my crossed legs. My boney thumbs tapped the characters on the keyboard as sniffles came out of my very much unrelaxed expression.

"I'm sorry."

I set my phone down on the light brown hardwood floor and pushed my vulnerable and unstable body up. My stride staggered across the room and I shoved my door open with all of my energy and stumbled into the obscure bathroom. With a flip of a switch, I observed myself in the mirror. My waterproof mascara, which was clearly not waterproof, was smudged all under my baggy and bloodshot eyes. _How could someone who loved you so much be so harsh?_ In a text of all things. With a deep inhalation, I twisted the cold metal taps and watched the water spill into the sink. I hastily drove my hands under the water to feel the heated water fill up my cupped palms. With a splash of water on my ivory skin, my body rose to reset itself and I felt only moderately better. I exhaled profoundly with a raspy sigh and twisted the taps off, still gazing at my corpse-like bone structure in the mirror. _Is that what I really look like?_ With an effort, I tried to at least fix how my hair appeared. My fingers swept through my sandy blonde hair and tore out strands of my hair, which caught on my broken nail that I haven't bothered to file down yet.

After failing with my presentation, I hastily recognized that there was no purpose in trying to fix it right now, I was just going to proceed to fuck it up. I spun on my heels and fled the bathroom, flipping the light switch in the process. As I entered my room, I gawked at my mattress that rested on the floor without any sheets. Just a pitiful pillow and a throw blanket. We had arrived in Arcadia Bay around dusk so we didn't have much opportunity to unpack furniture. My bedding sunk in deeply as I laid on it. My exhausted eyes concluded they were giving out and I had adequately enough excitement for one day.

The following morning I awoke to my alarm blasting in my eardrums. With a grunt, I rubbed my eyes and suddenly realized it was Monday, my first day back to Blackwell. It's considerably strange going back to school after everybody believes you're deceased, but it's better than being isolated. Scramming, I shoved my blanket off of myself and tripped over to my suitcase, extracting my clothes, makeup bag, and hairbrush. I hurried to the restroom and shut the door behind me, laying my clothes and makeup bag on the top of the bathroom counter. As I stared in the mirror, I came to terms with the truth that I needed to shower because I resembled hell.

I undressed and refused to glance at myself in the mirror, the helpless state of being exposed frightened me beyond belief. I utilized the taps of the shower and made sure it was the right temperature for me to invade. The water dribbled down my figure at a brisk rate, my hair absorbed all the water it could. My fingers traveled through my soaked hair as I slathered it with shampoo. The foamed bubbles slid down from my neck, all the way down my back, and finally hit the tub platform. I assembled all of my hair and pulled the shampoo through before I settled my head back beneath the showerhead and heard the heavy water fall onto the tiles. I concluded my shower with a brief wash of my body and twisted the foggy taps off. I grasped the off-white towel that hung over my shower railing and gazed at the blue hair dye that discolored it. I remember when Chloe dyed her hair for the first time; when her strawberry blonde hair developed into a daunting pink to blue ombre. With an exhalation, I pulled the towel around my body and climbed out onto the bathmat, now staring at a steamed mirror. With a grin, I instantly drew a star on the mirror and gazed at the counterpart tattoo that resided on my left wrist. With my right hand, I rubbed away the condensation that was dripping off of the star I drew. With every glance at my wrist, was another memory with Chloe I cherished. I remembered her drawing the star on my wrist and advising me to get it tattooed if I truly intended to run away with her. _I wish I kept my promise._

Shaking the thought away from my heavy shoulders, I blow-dried my hair, letting it unravel itself out. The heat from the hairdryer warmed up my frigid body and assisted in drying off the water droplets that lingered on the nape of my neck. After a few minutes, my hair was straight and looked presentable. With a swift transition, I tucked my hair behind my ear and put in my polished blue feather earring. Taking more time than my hair, I commenced my makeup. Which consisted of a red and copper-colored eyeshadow which was angled and black Cleopatra-esc eyeliner. My makeup never took me long, but it sure made me look better than I do naturally.

Flashing a dead grin to myself in my reflection, I shifted myself over to my clothes and let my towel collapse on the bathroom floor. As my feet danced around it, I rose to put on my silky underwear. I never paid attention to my underwear or my bras, I always slapped very obscure colors together. Chloe always used to poke fun at me for having a neon pink bra and a white shirt on; it was so obvious you could see it. Groaning, I pulled my black t-shirt that had a white silhouette of a raven on it, over my head and quickly modified it so it was more fitted. I drew up my black distressed jeans that had been stained around the thigh with a luminous blue nail polish that had an absurd amount of trashy glitter in it and untucked the front part of my shirt. I matched my flannel to the miniature layer of nail polish on my pants, which was my black and blue flannel that had a rip in the shoulder. It started off small but continued to enlarge itself over time. By the time I concluded my appearance, it was time to travel downstairs and have the world's awkwardest breakfast with my dad and Rose.

I wandered down the stairs and observed the stains on the wall where the paintings and photographs used to hang; due to moving away, we took them down. I never cared enough to noticed what our walls used to look like. They're so...decayed now. I inhaled piercingly and continued to take my steps and met eyes with Rose, a warm smile placed upon her almond skin.

"Good morning, Rachel. Are you eager to go back to Blackwell?" her voice was full of worry, fully knowing what had happened to me. I didn't blame her though, she thought the person who essentially ruined my entire fabrication of life went to school at Blackwell. I never mentioned to either of my parents who did it. Is it wrong of me that I don't want revenge? I used to be someone who craved revenge. But now? I just can't even get the energy to bother anymore.

"Absolutely." I beamed ear to ear, watching Rose copy me. As an actress, faking things comes naturally to me. Sometimes it feels like it's really the only option. I believe if I was to explain how I was actually feeling, we'd be back at square one again.

She settled a hand on my shoulder, clutching my attention. "I made breakfast if you want some before you go." despite not being very hungry, I complied. I may as well eat, I didn't want to sit at Blackwell for longer than I needed to. The two of us strolled over to the table and sat down across from each other. I honestly haven't communicated much with Rose ever since I found out she wasn't actually my mother. We've haven't had a deep conversation for years. I value her and all the things she does for me...but...I can't shake the fact that she isn't actually my mother. I guess I haven't really talked to my parents much since the entire Sera thing. I was always running away, avoiding my problems and trying my hardest to get the fuck out of this town. Isn't it funny how I tried so hard to get out of this town but begged to come back? I only came back for one thing.

"Where's dad?" I questioned, digging my fork in my food and twirling it around, trying to stall.

"He had some business to take care of."

"Is he paying to get my aunt killed this time?"

"Rachel."

"Sorry." lately I've developed a sense of distasteful jokes. I tend to say the wrong things at the wrong time, or the right things at the wrong time. "I'm just saying-"

"I don't want to hear it." the frustration in her voice didn't affect me anymore, her peering eyes stared at me like a laser sight. "I have to go wash the dishes." she rose up casually, pushing her chair hard enough against the floor for it to make an ear-bleeding screeching cry. She seized my plate and watched down at me as she marched off. "Make sure you wear a jacket, its cold out."

"Yeah, thanks," I uttered my words and pushed my chair back, walking towards to shoe rack at the door. I leaned my shoulder against the doorframe and picked up my worn-out converse that were ripping apart at the seams and shoved my slender feet in them. Picking up my bag and neglecting Rose's advice, I left and felt my feet instantly get damp due to the slushed up snow that was mixed with mud. I sighed moodily, knowing I wouldn't see Chloe at Blackwell due to her being expelled trying to defend my ass. I probably still owe her.

After standing on the porch for a few minutes thinking of Chloe, it occurred to me that I hadn't checked if she had responded to my text. I fumbled for my knapsack and clutched my phone that had a dark purplish-blue phone case on it. I immediately observed the new message I received from Chloe.

"holy fuck"

_I honestly couldn't tell if that was a 'holy fuck I'm so glad you're back' or a 'holy fuck, you're back.'_ My shivering fingers tapped on the keyboard and I clicked send, my anxiety starting to make me shake and sweat, despite it being 20 degrees out.

"Can we meet? I need to talk to you."


	2. Chapter 2

_Making my initial step onto Blackwell's campus was more difficult than I imagined it was going to be. The eyes that were on me, the murmurs that I could overhear while I passed were deafening. I felt like an animal at a petting zoo, confined in a cage while everybody's eyes were on me. I felt as if my enclosure wasn't generous enough to include me and everybody who surrounded me._

Their stares concluded once I landed in Principal Well's office. Well, it acted more like a sanctuary to me. I relaxed in the very same chair in which I sat almost three years ago when I witnessed Chloe's time at Blackwell being expired. The only distinction was the chair was more impaired, the material on the corner of the seat had been plucked off similarly to a scab.

Wells' throat presently evacuated itself, grabbing my attention away from the cushion of the chair I was gawking at. "Rachel, we are certainly glad to have you back. Your father has notified us regarding where you've been these last eight months."

My eyes widened. _What does he know? Has he had some big fucking assembly about it? Has he expelled Nathan Prescott and fired Mark Jefferson?_

"My condolences over your prominent mental health issues. We were all under the impression you had gone missing."

"Oh." I forced a relaxed expression. "That's okay, thank you."

"For the better part of the eight months you were away, Chloe Price had been plastering posters all over Arcadia Bay. She'll be thrilled to learn of your reappearance." Wells' eyes protruded with delight.

"Chloe?" I mumbled. "I doubt it."

"I thought you two were as thick as thieves? I have seen her hanging around another student here who studies photography, Maxine Caulfield. I always catch her sneaking into the dormitories after hours." his chuckling trailed off as he pressed his elbows against his desk.

 _Maxine? Is that Chloe's childhood friend who fucked off when she needed her the most? What the hell is she doing hanging around her again?_ My fists tightened at the thought of Chloe replacing me. Is this jealousy?

I sighed, leaning forward in the worn chair, putting on my best fake smile, I spoke. "You're right, we are thick as thieves. I'm sure she'll be just peachy to hear from me."

A smile escaped onto his bland, cookie-cutter face. "Nothing has changed since you left, Miss Amber. Your locker is still the same, the only difference is your class registry if you'd like me to go over it with you."

 _Sit in this dirtbag's office for longer than I have to?_ Count me the fuck out. "No that's-"

"I'm sure you have a lot of inadequate attention on you currently, I don't mind sitting here and making your day a tad bit easier."

I hated the fact he was right. I'd definitely rather sit in here for fifteen minutes longer than stand in the halls with all those eyes on me waiting for the bell to ring. "You know what? Why not?"

"Now, Miss Amber, you dropped numerous of your classes last year, I can register you back in them, but you'll have to do lots of additional work due to appearing here in December. Do you think you'll be able to handle that?" Wells extracted a fresh schedule and clutched a pen that had the label scraping off of it.

I nodded. "I can enroll back in drama, right?"

"Correct. Would you like to enroll back into photography as well? Mr. Jefferson would adore to have you back."

I felt my throat swell up and my stomach turned itself inside out. _Mark Jefferson is still working here?_ Sweat started to trickle down my temples, remembering all the shit he did to me, from piercing needles in my neck to binding my wrists to my ankles. I felt helpless. Perhaps coming back to Blackwell was a dangerous idea.

"Rachel, you're looking considerably pale. Are you alright?"

"Huh? Oh. No, I don't want to go back into photography." I mustered up an untroubled expression and began to pick at the skin on my hands while they were collapsed in my thighs.

"Oh, that's a shame. What about... let's see here...science?"

"That's so very...opposite to what I do... let's go for it." I radiated, pointing my finger at the blank schedule which now had the word 'drama' written on it.

Wells scribbled down the word 'science' with the black ink that drew from his dull pen. "You've got two other classes to select, how about English and math?"

Officially over the conversation and wanting to get out of there as soon as possible, I nodded.

With a flick of his wrist, the neat schedule was now in my hands. "Good luck, Rachel. If you ever need anything..."

"Thanks, Principal Wells." I pushed my seat back with my feet and back and stood up, clutching my bag which slung along the back of the worn chair. With a smile, I left the office and inhaled harshly, staring at my new schedule. I had science with Miss Grant first. From what I remember, Miss Grant was very patient, at least to me. I crumpled up my schedule and tossed it in my backpack. Finally exiting into the halls, it was a lot more full than it had been earlier.

_You know, I thought almost dying was the most damaging thing to happen to me. But I was mistaken, it was being in a school where you were merely a freakshow. I never enjoyed being in the spotlight in the halls, that was more of an on-stage thing. But now that I literally walked into Blackwell Academy with no notice? This. Fucking. Sucks. I feel like I'm a circus lion...forced to leap through a ring of flames, but I'm so apprehensive that I'm violently ignited until I actually fucking do it. All for the pleasure of others. Is that all I am now? Something to look at?_

Before I recognized it, I was at my locker. It still had all my stickers on it. I twisted my lock until it opened and was bombarded with pictures of Chloe and I. I couldn't help but smile, they were such pleasant memories. The picture I took the night we officially met at the Firewalk concert, our photo booth photos and infinite polaroids of us. I know Chloe didn't want to have contact with me anymore, but is it absurd for me to keep these photos up? _Maybe she'll change her mind._

Realizing my mind was straying about the big 'what if' in my subconscious, I checked my phone, hoping she had finally messaged me back, but I had no new texts. I shrugged, letting out a hurt sigh. _I thought we were best friends?_

I pondered on sending another text, but maybe she just wanted to process me coming back, I know I would have to. I shut my locker, coming to the conclusion that I didn't need anything in it aside from my recollections with my old friend. I sauntered down the hall, attempting to find the science room. The eyes on me were consuming me; I felt as if I was being set on fire repeatedly. I felt like vanishing, but I needed to train myself to stay away from the appeal of escape, it's what got me in this situation in the first place.

After thinking too much for too long, I made it to my location, Miss Grant's science class. With a deep breath, I entered the room which had a few students I didn't recognize.

"Rachel!" Miss Grant beamed. Her full body making its way towards me with open arms. Her arms enveloped my shoulders and she swayed back and forth as she embraced me. "It is a blessing to have you with us, my dear!"

With the attention now fully set on me, I smiled nervously and pulled away from the hug. "It's...er...great to be back."

"Well, most of the seats are taken, but Warren's lab partner recently moved away, you can sit with him, dear." Miss Grant's neon green shirt confined my eyes to the point I needed to squint just looking at her.

"Thanks, Miss Grant." with a nod, I left Miss Grant and made my way to Warren Graham, I don't think I ever have even spoken to him before, we ran with different crowds. I'm a...was a Vortex Club snob and he was...a nerd. I think He hung out with Steph and Mikey sometimes.

"Rachel Amber!" Warren's arms were held up in the air. "It's so weird seeing you back here. We all thought you were..." he scratched the back of his neck nervously

I glared at him, already knowing what he was going to say.

His throat cleared. "Anyways, uber-cool that we're lab partners now!"

"Never in my life thought I'd say that Warren Graham is my lab partner," I mumbled my words, laying my opaque bag on the floor beside my blue stool. "Never thought I'd say I'm in a science class."

"There's always a first for everything! Uh...you should grab a lab coat and some goggles. We're playing with chemicals today! Don't want to get your fresh outfit busted."

Warren Graham was one weird kid, but he was nice. I'd rather sit here and listen to him babble about chemicals than sit with the Vortex Club losers and hear about what a banger of a party we were gonna have next month.

I took Warren's advice and grabbed the lab coat, pulling it over my sky-blue flannel and pulling the hazy goggles over my eyes. "How do I look?"

"You look like you're about to burn down the school with these badass chemicals!"

I chuckled, punching him in the shoulder playfully. "Fuck yeah."

"So, Rachel...real talk." he sat down on the blue stool, prompting me to sit down beside him. "Where were you?"

My eyes widened and quickly saddened. _How am I supposed to tell my story to someone who isn't a therapist seeking to accumulate as much cash from me as possible?_ I recognize I have to tell people eventually. Particularly Chloe. I grinned. "I went on a vacation."

"An eight-month vacation?" his eyebrow elevated, certainly knowing I was full of shit. "I don't believe you, sorry. Just tell me, you can tr-"

"I don't want to talk about it, okay?!" I snapped, everyone's all-seeing eyes on me. "Stop bothering me." I folded my arms and drooped over in my seat. _God, I'm such an asshole._

Warren cleared his throat and turned away from me, staring at Miss Grant as she started talking.

I couldn't bear to listen, my head was so full of noise. _I knew I was going to be asked where the hell I was but why is it so hard for me to think about it? It's been eight months. I should be over this by now!_ I hit my knee against the lab desk in front of me out of reflex of my own anger, interrupting the class.

"Miss Amber, is everything okay?" Miss Grant's nurturing voice sunk deep into my ears and enveloped my brain.

My head was pounding at this point and my breathing became sparse. "I think I just need a breather," I mumbled, pushing my seat back and pulling off the goggles and lab coat.

"Rach-" Warren's hand gripped my wrist, attempting to pull me back.

_"Rachel..." his drunken voice slurred in my ear. "Let's get out of here."_

_I hiccuped, my body leaning on Nathan's shoulder. We were in the parking lot of Blackwell Academy, outside of the pool where the Vortex Club party was being held. Nathan and I were passing a blunt and drinking God knows what from our red solo cups. "Fuck yeah. This party is getting lame." I was wearing Nathan's reddish-orange jacket, a black lowcut top, and my light-washed denim shorts which were distressed._

_"You look sexy in my jacket." his intoxicated whisper hit my ears while his restless hands felt up my waist and then all the way down until his grip was on my ass, casually squeezing it as he leaned into me._

_"G-Get your hands off me." I stuttered, pushing myself away from him and pulled his jacket off of my arms, letting it fall onto the asphalt._

_"Don't be such a bitch, Rachel. You want this." his big hand gripped my wrist tightly, his fingernails digging into my skin._

"Don't touch me!" I thrashed my arm back from Warren's grip and quickly seized my bag, feeling the burning tears fill my eyes as I escaped from the science room.

_Maybe I shouldn't have come back to Blackwell. Mark Jefferson is still here and now I'm getting reminded of that night. I shouldn't have gone to that fucking party. If I just...stayed home...like Chloe told me to...I wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't be so fucked up. I wouldn't be..._

"Fuck!" I roared as I crashed my elbow into a locker, unable to recognize the pain that antagonized my bones. The tears emptied from my pitiful eyes and slathered my face with the bitterness that diseased my eyes. I was glad nobody was wandering the halls at the time I was having a meltdown, but with time, someone would exit one of the many plagued classrooms to investigate the insane student who just punched a fucking locker. I slithered my way into the bathroom, at least I'd be able to cry without anybody hearing me.

My eyes stared at the reflection in the mirror, but the girl that stared back didn't look like me anymore. I guess in a way she was me, but she wasn't whole anymore. There was something so off about her. She was a pasty white color and her cheekbones were so hollow and sharp, she looked as if she was out of a Tim Burton movie. I shook my head and my delusion was gone; I saw myself again, but I think I preferred looking at Tim Burton me. My makeup was smudged under my eyes and my eyeshadow was creasing. I twisted the taps until warm water came out and started to wash my face, scrubbing my eyes until the remainder of my makeup was on my fingertips.

_What's wrong with me? Why does Chloe hate me? Why can't things just be fucking normal for once?_

The urge to hit something followed again and I was close to letting my condescending reflection have it but I quickly spun around and kicked the bathroom stall, watching the door swing open and slam back into the lock. I pushed the stall door open again and locking it officially, tossing my bag beside the toilet. My body slid down the wall and soon collapsed, finally allowing the sobs out. I hugged my knees and felt my jeans become wet from the liquid that spilled from my eyes.

_Is this what trauma is like? Finally feeling okay for once just for the malicious trauma find it's way back to you in the form of a trigger? Feasting upon your fears and emotions like a lion ripping out the intestines of a zebra? No matter where I was, I was in that room again. I'm always in that room. Always in that junkyard. Always almost fucking dying._

My heart pounded loudly and the sound was becoming unbearable, I cupped my hands over my ears and began to rock back and forth. I must have been mumbling because I heard a voice call out to me.

"Hello? Are you uhh...okay in there?" the voice was soft and secure and it sounded vaguely familiar to me. "Are you able to open the door?"

"No," I mumbled into my knees. "I don't think I can get up."

"I'd come get you myself but I don't want to know what kind of bacteria is on this floor." the girl laughed and it was inexplicably soothing. "Can you try?"

My body shuddered as I tried hard to reach the lock. I extended my arm as far as it could go and used my other arm to push myself up off the ground slightly. The latch of the stall lock clicked and the door opened slowly. I stared up and faced the girl who had been talking to me.

"Rachel?" her eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hands. "Holy fucking shit."

"Steph?"

Steph invited herself into the stall and sat across from me, the tips of our shoes touching. "Dude, I thought you were dead."

"You and everyone else in this fucking town." I stared back down to my knees, still hugging them.

"Can I ask what happened to you? Like...why you went missing?"

"No."

"Okay, sorry." Steph pulled at her off-white beanie. "How's Chloe? I'm sure she's so happy you're back."

Bringing up Chloe wasn't Steph's best move, my body felt like liquid fire. Attaching itself to my flesh to spread. "We aren't friends."

"Really? You guys were so clo-"

"Well, things change, Steph. Me going missing was the best thing to happen to Chloe." I flared, stiffening my grip against my knees.

"Are you joking?" Steph gasped and gawked at me with a puzzled expression. "She was a fucking wreck, Rachel. Stop being so self-centered, whatever happened to you wasn't just hard on you."

I had never heard Steph talk back to anybody. She was always very quiet, but maybe that was because she didn't hang around many people aside from Mikey and Chloe. "You're right. Sorry."

"She loved you so much, Rachel. She lost all hope and cut ties with Mikey and me." Steph's arms were now folded, clearly, Chloe's friendship meant a lot to her. I couldn't help but sympathize with her, Chloe was my only real friend. "When you vanished Rachel...something happened to this school. Everything felt so...dreadful. I missed you so much."

"I'm sorry for ghosting you."

"Cruel joke, Rachel. Cruel joke." Steph's chuckle captured my full attention, it felt so normal. "I know we didn't talk much after I quit drama, but I always kept an eye on you. I knew you were running with a bad crowd and the protector in me just wanted to save you."

"Stalker alert." I giggled and she stuck her tongue out at me, kicking me playfully.

"Be serious, Rach."

"Well, I'm here now."

"I'm glad you are. I really missed you, Rachel." her grin filled me with a sense of hope. Maybe Steph was my safe haven in Blackwell. I could hang around her and not feel so vulnerable. 

As Steph got lost talking, my phone began to vibrate in my pocket and I was anxious to open it. It could be Chloe, I had been practically silently begging for an answer, I just wanted to talk to her and explain to her that I'm sorry for vanishing. "Holy shit."

_It was from Chloe._

"meet me at our hideout in the junkyard @ 6"

"What's up?" Steph asked, waving her hand in my face.

"Chloe wants to meet me tonight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so um.. i hope rachel's "breakdowns" and "triggers" aren't too edgy,, when writing with rachel i tend to relate her to my own experiences. kinnie shit? who fuckin knows. mind ur business.........
> 
> anyways! thanks for the feedback on the last chapter! it was all so positive and made me go baby mode. i hope u guys like this chapter too!


	3. Chapter 3

_The carriage of the rollercoaster slowly dragged itself up the tracks, my anticipation for the decline growing closer and closer. Oh my God, this is it. The cart halted at the peak of the drop and remained there, my anxiety coursing through my veins. When the fuck is this going to drop? I felt agitated, regretting even getting on the ride in the first place. What am I gaining from this?_

It was a quarter to six and I was balancing on the curb of the sidewalk, a cigarette placed ever so slightly between my lips. My black lighter with white stars elevated from my grip and attempted to exhibit the flame, but it took a few flicks and shakes of the lighter for the flame to appear fully. I smirked, lighting the cigarette that was adhering to my nude lipstick. The warmth from the metal hood of my lighter kissed the skin on my thumb as I slid it into my back pocket. I inhaled the nicotine and lifted my hand to steal the cigarette from my lips, letting it sit in between my pointer finger and middle finger.

_When I abandoned the bay, I abandoned cigarettes too. But being back here brought back some old and deadly habits. I was never addicted to cigarettes, I mainly smoked them because Chloe did, now I smoke them to break myself off from my conscience._

The walk to the junkyard felt longer than normal, maybe it was the excitement of seeing Chloe again or the blatant anxiety of not knowing what to await from her. She seemed to be under the assumption that I left on purpose. I continued walking until I felt my phone vibrate in my front left pocket.

"Good luck, Rach. xo"

I smiled at Steph's text message and placed my cigarette back in between my lips so I could utilize both of my hands to type out a text.

"Thanks, I'm kinda nervous. What if things go bad? What if she hates me?"

"Rachel, you're her best friend. She's gonna see you and all that shit she said to you is going to be thrown out the window."

Before I knew it, I was on the train tracks close to the junkyard. I was so nervous but so thrilled at the same time. I hadn't seen Chloe in so long. _I wonder if she still looks the same._

As my feet balanced on the rails of the train tracks, I could see the junkyard on the horizon. My anxiety grew more substantial as I got closer and closer. My text to Steph immediately found it's way into my brain, what if she hates me? What if she hates me? Oh God, what if she hates me?

All my stress deteriorated once I saw the truck I knew oh so well. I could see Chloe's ivory-colored arm stretching out of the open window, a cigarette in between her fingers. I started walking towards the truck at a slow pace.

 _What do I say to her?_ I proceeded walking.

 _Do I tell her I missed her?_ My pace grew more responsive.

_Do I comment on how she looks? What if she hasn't-_

"Hey, stranger." I spoke, watching Chloe's blue hair flutter in the breeze.

"Oh shit," her voice verbalized disappointment but wonderment. My heart slumped as she flicked the butt of her cigarette. "Jesus, I honestly didn't think it was you texting me. I thought someone was fucking with me." Chloe exited her truck and made her way to the hood of her imperfect vehicle. I stared at it, noticing all of the dents that penetrated it. "C'mere, sit." her cigarette was launched, I watched it skip on the ground until it inevitably burnt out. I followed Chloe's orders and rested beside her on the hood of her truck.

"So, h-"

"I'm not doing small talk, Rachel. Where the fuck were you?" Chloe's voice was apprehensive and full of hurt. "Why did you just..fucking leave?"

_How the hell was I supposed to tell Chloe that I almost died? I couldn't tell Warren and I couldn't even tell Steph. How am I meant to tell Chloe?_

"I really don't know how to answer that, Chloe..." I gazed down at the terrain that had rusted auto parts scattered about, knowing my answer wasn't good enough was going to kill me.

"Sure you do, you just won't fucking tell me. Did you run off with fuckin' Frank? Real fucking gross, Rachel." Chloe ridiculed, her voice murdered the idealization of hurt and replaced it with anger.

"What? What the fuck are you talking about, Chloe?"

"I know you fucked Frank, Rachel. I know you wrote him a letter saying you wanted to run away with him. So you were just going to ditch me to be with my 30-year-old fucking drug dealer? You're such a fucking liar, Rachel. You always have been and you always fucking will be." Chloe shouted, the birds around the junkyard flapping away in the process.

"I..." I bit my lip, trying my best to hold back my temper. "I did that to get us some cash to leave, Chloe."

"Whoring out your body isn't going to get you ANYWHERE, Rachel. You fucking disgust me. I thought you were my friend."

I started biting the skin in my mouth, tasting the plasma with my tongue. "Go on, let it all out, Price."

"For the six out of eight months you were gone, I had never felt so low. I thought you were fucking dead." Chloe pulled out another cigarette from her pocket, shaking with every little movement she made. "And after I found all that shit...I was glad you were gone. I was okay with the fact that maybe you were dead and that maybe you'd never come back."

I shook my head at the tone of her lighter, trying to fight back the tears that were urging to fall out. "I didn't know what else to do Chloe, we promised each other we'd leave, I didn't know how else to get money."

Chloe chuckled violently, her fierceness starting to come out more and more with every word I spoke. "News flash, Rachel. You have a rich fucking dad. Maybe ask daddy for money next time, princess."

"I didn't come here to have you slut-shame me and read out every tiny fucking thing I did wrong. That was over a year ago, Chloe. I did it for you."

"How fucking selfless of you."

"You know what? You're fucking ludicrous, Chloe. Coming here was a mistake, coming back to Arcadia-fucking-Bay was a mistake. I thought you were different, you know?" I pushed myself off of the hood, the oxidation pricking up my hand. "I'm leaving."

"Classic Rachel Amber, everybody!" Chloe started to applaud. "Doing what she does best, running the hell away. After eight fucking months, you're still Rachel-fucking-Amber. Grow up, you're not fifteen anymore."

"I'm not fifteen anymore, you're right. But, I'm still me and sometimes escaping is the only option. You are nothing but a sad excuse for a friend. You set aside all this anger for months, only to blow up at the person who loved you despite all your defects." I began to walk away from Chloe, painting my hands on my jeans.

"Rachel, sometimes I wish I never met you. Throughout the course of our friendship, you were always so fucking manipulative. You jeopardized my fucking life to find Sera, a woman who chose money over you for 14 fucking years. Go back to wherever the fuck you came from with Frank and go be trailer trash like your mother."

I turned around in my tracks, walking back towards Chloe, who was trying her hardest to break eye contact with me. "Chloe, you have _NO_ fucking idea what happened to me when I went missing. I didn't leave with Frank. I'm sure that asshole is still kicking around here somewhere. I forgot how fucking narrow-minded you are, you don't even have the fucking brains to think of other people."

Chloe's eyes enlarged, but she didn't say anything.

"When we first met, I thought I was so smart, mysterious and fucking irresistible. I was fourteen, Chloe. But when I turned eighteen, I finally started to feel like a real person and that all got taken away from me. I know my disappearance was hard on you, but have you ever maybe thought that something could have happened to me?" at this point, I didn't even care if I was weeping anymore. I was trying to hard to tell her what happened to me, but the words refused to come out.

"For six fucking months, Rachel. I plastered posters up EVERYWHERE around this place. I thought you were fucking gone." Chloe started to howl with me, and my urge to hug her grew stronger, but my urge to strike her in the teeth was even more potent. "After I found out all that shit about you...fucking Frank...I was okay with the fact you were gone. And I really wish you were gone right now." Chloe tossed her cigarette once again and it landed close to the other one.

I pursed my lips inwards, gloomily biting the dead skin off of them until they started to suffer. "What I did was fucked up, I know. But I can't change that, Chloe. In the moment, it felt like my only choice. After what my dad did to Sera, I couldn't even look him in the eyes for 3 fucking years, I couldn't just ask the man who tried to get my biological mother executed for some fucking hush money."

Chloe swung her head, distinctly incapable to figure out what to say.

"Chloe, I've had one of the most stressful days of my life today, I thought seeing you would make everything better. But obviously I'm delusional. You can't let go of your resentment towards me for once second. Walking into that school today killed me." I sniffled. "You couldn't even say hello to me, not even a hug. Not even a look in the fucking eyes. Why can't you just let go of that anger for once in your life? I'm here now, does that count for anything?"

 _In the silence, I got my answer. No, it doesn't count for anything. It's not good enough and it never will be._

I turned around and started to walk away until she finally made a noise. She sighed, brushing away one of the tears that descended on her cheek. "It does, Rachel. But I'm so...I'm so mad at you. You abandoned me, just like Max did."

"I didn't do it on purpose, it was out of my control."

"Can you please just tell me what happened?" Chloe begged, her breaking voice getting the better of me.

"I really want to, Chloe. But I can't. I can't. I can't." I hoisted myself back up to sit beside Chloe, trying my best to keep my distance with her. She was like a time bomb, you'll never really know when she'll explode. It was just a matter of when and where.

"Why can't you?"

_That really was the mystery, why couldn't I? It had been over eight months, why couldn't I just say it?_

"I don't know, I've been trying to figure that out myself," I muttered. "Could we go for a drive?"

"Yeah, I don't really like being in this junkyard anymore. I don't come here often." for some reason, Chloe saying that really pained me. "Too many memories."

"I understand." in unison, we both jumped off of the hood of her truck and entered it. I sat in the passenger seat and chuckled, looking at the bobblehead on her dashboard. "It looks the same in here. Nothing has changed."

Chloe sat quietly, putting the key in the ignition and starting up her truck. "Remember when I found this junker?"

We both chortled. "You couldn't even get it to turn on," I added. For the moment, everything felt...normal. I knew that this wouldn't last forever. "I know you didn't want to do small talk but...how have you been?"

"Well, I guess I'm okay now." she disentangled her throat, and inhaled piercingly before speaking again. "Max and I have been hanging out for the past few months, we have...something going." she smiled just at the thought of it.

"Something? What do you mean by that?"

"We kissed a few months ago, and ever since then...things have been going really slow between us, but its nice, y'know? I'm one to rush into things, but with Max it's just...different."

_Was this the drop I was anticipating on this ride? This was supposed to fun and thrilling, but I want to get off, I feel like I'm going to be sick. This fucking sucks._

"Oh." I didn't know what else to say. "I'm happy for you, Chloe. I really am." I did feel happy for Chloe, but a part of me didn't feel right.

"Thanks, I really appreciate it, Rach." Chloe smiled, I could tell she was happy, probably happier than I had ever seen her. "Oh, I have some of your clothes at my house, if you want them. I let Max borrow them after we broke into Blackwell's pool."

As much as I liked my clothes, my own jealousy took over, not wanting to wear something she willingly gave to Max. "No thanks, she can keep 'em."

_For a while, we were muted. It was so...odd for us to be like this. We had always been so loud and we were always raising hell. I wish I could go back to those days, but they seem so far behind me now. There's nothing I can do to make us normal again, is there?_

"Is there anywhere in particular you want to go?" Chloe asked, breaking me away from my thoughts. "I was thinking the beach by the lighthouse, is that okay with you?"

I nodded, facing away from Chloe to look out the window that made a breeze flow through my hair.

_I don't think there's anything I can do to make Chloe trust me again, she seems so uncertain around me. Maybe it's best I go, let her and Max be happy. After all the shit Chloe has gone through, it's what she deserves. Maybe this once I should let her have something good and innocent._

"Earth to Rachel, we're here." Chloe was outside my window, waving her hands in my face. "Geez, you're like how I used to be, getting hella lost in thought."

"Sorry, it's kind of new...I guess." I unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the door, jumping out of the vehicle, feeling the sand bounce up with the force of my weight falling on it. I stared at Chloe, who was leaning against the side of her truck, texting and laughing. "Hey, is it cool if I take a few minutes to myself?"

"I don't care, do what you need to do."

I exhaled, wandering to the end of the dock, sitting down and hanging my feet off of it, my shoes barely having space between the water. My feet dangled over the edge of the pier, and all I could think about was what a fucking mistake coming back here was.

_I've spent the last few months in my own head, but right now in this moment, I've spent the most amount of time there. I feel so fucking restless all the time. I just want to be free. What was the point of coming back here? Realizing I fucked everything up with the only person I care about?_

"Hey, you good?" Chloe sat down beside me, unwinding her body against mine, it was so unfamiliar to me that I shifted away from her.

"Just thinking."

"Too much or too little?"

"Definitely too much. This day sucks." I laughed unhappily. "I wish I never came back."

"I know I was a dick earlier, and honestly, I meant mostly everything I said, I won't lie. But you didn't deserve it. But Rachel...I have to be honest with you." Chloe's breathing became meager and dull. "I'm not really sure how to feel about you being back but...I think its best that we don't see each other again."

My heart broke on the spot. My insides felt like they were being torn out one by one and I couldn't do anything but watch. "What?"

"I have a really good thing going with Max and I just...being around you changes me, it brings up incomplete shit. I don't want to ruin anything with Max. I'm just being honest."

"You're kidding, right? This is all some joke, right?" my voice began to choke up, I felt a hold around my neck so sturdy that I couldn't separate from it. "Please tell me you're kidding, Chloe."

Chloe's eyes saddened, answering my question. "I don't know what happened to you Rachel but I can't risk it again, it almost killed me."

_It almost killed her? Are you fucking kidding me?_

My rage boiled up again. If I didn't leave now, I was going to let everything out. "Is there anything I can do to change your mind?"

"I just feel like if I got some closure on what happened to you...maybe I could see it from your perspective."

"I'll tell you one day, I will. I promise. Can we just please be friends again?" my lip quivered and I trembled in the cool winter air.

"Rachel I...I really can't trust you...not right now. I feel so deceived by you, I know you mean well but...I'm just scared." Chloe crossed her arms and shunned me.

"What can I do? You're my best friend Chloe, I don't want to lose you. I've already lost everything else."

"I guess I just need some time to process all of this. I'm still really shocked at the fact you're not dead, y'know? I just need a few days, okay? I'm sorry for everything I said, I'm just really confused right now."

"Okay, I understand. I'm sorry, I'm just really worried. I wish I could go back in time and prevent all of this, but the world doesn't work like that."

"You're anxious, I get that." Chloe settled a compassionate hand on my shoulder. "Need a ride home?"

"That'd be great, thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont rlly like this one ahhhh but,,,, i hope u guys do!! <3 ty for all the support!!!

**Author's Note:**

> hi im editing this to have some notes!  
> i don't think i've ever seen a fanfic with the same idea as mine, but if there is one, my bad! i just wanted to explore an alt universe where rachel survived the dark room.
> 
> also ik she was missing for 6 months; but i wanted to give max and chloe some time to build their friendship back up so i added an extra 2 months.  
> also im a sucker for the winter because i'm canadian.
> 
> anyways! any feedback is appreciated <3


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